Posted by
Sandspur on Friday, October 30, 2009 12:01:59 PM
(Copyright:AmericaBurning)
INT. CAR - NIGHT
ART MAJORS and CANDY WISE, two slightly odd college kids, drive in Washington, D.C., on a stormy night.
CANDY: Where are we?
ART: Somewhere in Washington. BANG! (o.c.) Uh-oh! A tire.
EXT. CAR - NIGHT
In drenching rain, they see the flat tire.
ART: Hell, no spare. We need help. Got your cell-phone?
CANDY: Damn! Battery’s dead. (checks watch) It’s three AM!
They look around, through the murk see the U.S. Capitol’s lighted dome nearby. Art heads for it. Candy follows.
EXT. DOORWAY, U.S. CAPITOL - NIGHT
Art pounds on the door. It’s opened by HUSTLIN’ HARRY REID, a tall, gaunt, balding butler in a black suit.
ART: Hello, sir. I’m Art Majors, and this is Candy Wise, my fiancé. Sorry to bother you, but is there a phone available?
Harry nods OK, and they enter.
INT. MARBLE FOYER - NIGHT
It’s outlandishly decorated with statues of deceased politicians, oil paintings, etc. MUSIC blares o/c.
HARRY: You’re lucky, it’s a special night. Nancy’s having a blast. I’m sure there’s a phone you can use.
A young maid, VALERIE SCARRIT, comes down the stairs.
VALERIE: I’m Valerie Scarrit, I’ll take you there.
They follow her, and she sings “The Pelosi Polka” to the MUSIC which grows louder as they approach --
We love. . .the Nan Pelosi Polka, ya-ya,
We move it ma-ma, we groove it pa-pa.
Just grab a lobbyist, like a snake,
Shake them down or you they’ll make. . .
INT. HOUSE CHAMBER - NIGHT
They enter the large room, a scene of degeneracy. Drunken LAWMAKERS, in grotesque costumes/masks, cavort half-naked and sing as a German band plays in the corner.
So yes. . .her fat monster bills we will pass,
And all who say “no”, get kicked in the grass.
Don’t read it, don’t worry, it’s perfect as-is,
Just vote in a hurry, it gives you a jizz.
At the Speaker’s podium, dominatrix NANCY PELOSI, in see-through vermillion pants-suit, is entangled with BIKER GUYS. She sees the students enter like lost souls in hell.
Let’s do. . .the Nan Pelosi Polka so fine,
Take a big swig of more government wine.
We got elected, we’re here and in charge,
So ram it on through, as long as it’s large.
Valerie rips-off her maid’s outfit, leaving only skimpy panties and bra. She flouts it before Art, who’s stunned. Candy gives her a mean look and dances with Art.
Don’t slow. . .the Nan Pelosi Polka at all,
Tonight is the night we’re having a ball.
Can’t wait any more to find out the cost,
We’re taxed-out anyway, re-election is lost.
Before the podium, Rep. BARNEY FRANK, in full drag regalia, scribbles on a piece of paper and holds it up.
FRANK: I have an amendment, madam Speaker.
SPEAKER PELOSI: Without objection, accepted. Anything else, Barney?
Frank jambs the slip in a “bill” pile on a table.
Seeing this, Candy is alarmed and turns to leave. But Harry shuts and locks the door, pockets the key. Frank arrives.
FRANK: I’m Barney Frank, don’t be scared. I’m really sweet.
ART: Uh, our car broke down in the rain. Can you help us?
FRANK (smirking): Is that really why you’re here?
He nods to Harry, who with Valerie’s help strips Art and Candy down to their underwear.
Rep. CHARLES RANGEL arrives and inspects the scared pair.
RANGEL: I’m Charles Rangel, the ethics expert here. (to Harry) This isn’t right. You can’t just mistreat our constituents --
But Harry and Valerie prod them to the Speaker, who has eyes for both. She sends the bikers away and pounds the gavel.
SPEAKER PELOSI: Shame on you! You’ve misbehaved in our House. (to Harry and Valerie) Take them to their rooms!
Suddenly, Rep. ALAN GRAYSON rides into the chamber on a motorcycle, dressed in black leather. He stops by Candy.
GRAYSON: Get on, Ho, I’ll help you.
Scared Candy complies and is whisked away as Pelosi grins. Harry and Valerie lead Art in the same direction.
RANGEL: (worried) I hope Grayson don’t violate anything.
SPEAKER PELOSI: I’ll show how we do it in Frisco.
INT. DARK ANTEROOM - NIGHT
Alone in a bed, Candy sees Nancy enter, in Art’s clothes. The Speaker lies down beside her and fondles her. Soon they’re making love. Candy enjoys it. They finish.
CANDY: I can’t believe I lost my virginity here!
SPEAKER PELOSI (in husky voice): Thanks, gotta go now.
INT. SECOND DARK ANTEROOM - NIGHT
Dressed in Candy’s clothes, the Speaker enters and lies down by Art, asleep in bed. She strokes him until he wakes.
ART: We shouldn’t be doing this.
SPEAKER PELOSI: You don’t know the half of it.
ART: Okay, since you insist.
They make love in the dark, and finish. Pelosi rises.
SPEAKER PELOSI: (dressing, leaving) Gotta go clean-up.
INT. HOUSE CHAMBER - NIGHT
Flushed Pelosi, in her pants-suit, drags up to the podium.
SPEAKER PELOSI: Sorry, had to confer with both sides.
She pounds the gavel weakly, to no avail as the raucous NOISE persists. She half-lifts the 1,000-page bill.
SPEAKER PELOSI: What the hell bill is this, anyway? Doesn’t matter. Hope it hasn’t been read? No debate? Republicans evicted? Lobbyists okay with it? Everyone drunk? Good, time for final passage. Everyone will be recorded as voting “yea”. (banging gavel) It’s passed.
Harry mounts to the rostrum, pounds the gavel once.
HARRY: On behalf of the Senate, I declare our acceptance! To the White House with it, whatever it is!
He leans to peck Pelosi’s cheek, but she shrinks away.
SPEAKER PELOSI: I know what you want, Harry. NO! Let’s get the hell out of here.
Harry throws the bill in the air. Pages fall all over the place as the mob rushes for the exits.